Many child life specialists are familiar with the quizzical expressions that come when sharing their professional title and job responsibilities. Imagine that scenario- but magnified- when telling someone you are a child life specialist with a niche in bibliotherapy! For me, this revelation often requires a little illumination. And, truthfully, since the publishing of Heartfelt Books, I can say –I have gotten skillful in the art of explanation! Continue reading
This week, Shani Thornton (aka Child Life Mommy) and I brought Child Life services beyond hospital walls into our community. Via a referral from Jen Holahan, CCLS, a parent invited Shani to do some bereavement work at a girls and boys club. A staff member and former member of the club had recently died unexpectedly, and the kids and staff needed support. Shani reached out to me and asked if I would join her. How could I say no?
We armed ourselves with Anastasia Higginbotham’s book Death is Stupid, 3 rolls of toilet paper and Shani’s years of experience volunteering with bereaved children at Center for Hope. Our plan of action included a read aloud, followed by a group mural where the school-aged children could express any of their many feelings about their beloved mentor’s death. The club supplied a huge roll of white butcher paper, paint, crayons, markers, glue, yarn, glitter, pompons, and googly eyes. The kids supplied their hearts.
In addition to the mural, we set up a toilet paper target station in a corner away from the art activity. Kids could draw what was making them sad, angry or afraid, and then wail away at the target with sopping wads of water-logged toilet paper.
What did we discover? Well, first, the children joined us in a circle of chairs for the reading of the book. Some teared up while others got silly. We staid our course and refrained from redirecting any of it. We were surprised when almost all of them raised their hands when asked if they knew others who had died. Many relatives and pets had already paved the way for this loss.
Then we set them loose on the mural. They dug deep quickly, drawing and writing about their feelings and memories about the young man who had died at the tender age of 21. They told us stories of things they had done with him, what he enjoyed, how he had helped them with their homework. They talked openly about feeling sad and angry. One tween drew a heart, wrote “Death is Stupid” in the middle of the heart, and then crossed out ‘Stupid’ and added the words scary, mean, weird, confusing and heartbreaking.
Those who weren’t quite ready to join in the mural found solace in the target game, something that allowed for a more physical, visceral release of emotions. “I hate death” they wrote on the target. “Come Back!” One child drew a picture of himself crying, and then decided to cut the drawing off of the target, so that it would not be ruined by the wet toilet paper. Their bodies danced in anticipation as they lined up to take their turns spooling toilet paper around their fists. The toilet paper flew, splatting with satisfying force again and again, as emotion propelled major league-worthy arms.
When the smoke cleared, every child had contributed to both the mural and the target practice. We regathered in the circle, where Shani reminded them who they can speak to about their feelings as time goes on. The kids named their parents, counsellors, teachers and one another. We held hands and shouted their friend’s name as a final ritual.
Kids know what they need. When adults provide them with space, time, materials and a listening ear, kids know exactly what to do. They need to talk about the person they lost. They need to know that the adults in their lives can hear them without turning away or handing out platitudes. They need to know that they are normal, that their thoughts and feelings aren’t bad or wrong. And they need to know that the feelings will come and go, and that it’s okay to play and have fun anyway, even amidst the sadness.
After the room had emptied, as we scraped wet toilet paper off the cinder block walls, Shani said, “Isn’t this exactly where child life belongs?!”
Yes, my dear friend. This is exactly where it belongs, in the community where the children live day in and day out, and where death is stupid, scary, mean, weird, confusing and heartbreaking.
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Forgive me for reblogging someone else’s great ideas today. But Teacher Tom’s words and images of children enjoying “risky” outdoor loose parts play moved me. And he has such great suggestions for how caregivers can help kids take good risks and explore their worlds unafraid, even as they learn how to be safe and think through their play. Thank you Tom! Click below for his article.
Source: Teacher Tom: Eleven Things To Say Instead Of ‘Be Careful’
No matter what holiday you celebrate, kids have certain needs that adults should consider during the holiday season (and all year round!).
Here is my round up of reminders for adults who are rushing and stressed with the many tasks and obligations of important holidays.
Kids Need:
Routine – Kids feel safer and calmer when following daily life routines. Holidays throw routines up into the air like confetti, and the result can be unpleasant for everyone. Whenever possible, keep sleeping/eating/napping/family-time routines in place. If you can’t, talk to your children about what to expect. Where are they going or who will visit? What will they do and see? What is expected of them? Consider making a family calendar together depicting special events, and have children place a sticker on each day at they count down the days leading up to and including the holiday.
Play time – All children need time to play and unwind, and I am talking about open-ended play, as well as games, art and cooking activities and physical play where they can run , jump and climb and get their sillies out. Make sure they put down their electronic devices and get away from screen time.
Permission to not perform – Sometimes when we get together with family and friends over the holidays, kids are expected to be squeezed, pinched, hugged and kissed by relatives who may need this affection a lot more than the child does. If your child has sensory issues or a history of trauma, this kind of touch can feel unbearable. You can talk with your child about this phenomenon prior to gatherings and coach them on how to respond to adults in a way that is polite but helps them maintain their body integrity. You may need to run interference and advocate for your child with well-meaning relatives, letting them know what kind of touch your child can tolerate.
Positive Limit Setting – All children need limits, especially those who are wired from too much holiday sugar or excitement. However, a constant barrage of “No!” “Stop that!” “Behave!” can wear thin and get you nowhere. When setting limits, ask yourself, is this a limit that needs to be set, or am I being arbitrary? If the limit is necessary, take a few deep breaths and try your best to remember these steps.
Moderation – The onslaught of media can turn the nicest child into a black hole of greed – commercials are aimed at children and can overstimulate them with desire for toys that may or may not be appropriate or affordable. Try to limit unsupervised screen time. Help children narrow down desires to a few affordable choices by making lists together. More is not always better. It is okay to say “No” to their requests without shaming them for wanting the toy – blame it on the advertisers! And try not to feel guilty if you cannot afford gifts. Your love and attention are the most valuable gifts you can give them.
The video below is a great reminder to us all about what REALLY matters and what kids really need!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dAQ6_gXQy4
I posted a question poll on Twitter yesterday to try something new.
What kind of play promotes self-regulation – open ended free play or board games?
At first glance, those of us who work with young children will shout out happily: FREE PLAY! Why? Because it allows children to explore their environment at their own pace and interests. It provides many opportunities for them to problem solve and access their imagination and creativity. It gives them feed back loops to build vital connections in their developing brains. It helps them make meaning and gain mastery over childhood challenges or traumas. As Lev Vygotsky said:
No question. It is great stuff.
But my tweet was a trick question. Structured, close-ended games and toys also have their place in a child’s development of self regulation. When a child is in a stressful situation, sometimes a familiar game like CandyLand or Checkers might help them calm down and feel safe. If a child has played about something that made them feel vulnerable in some way, playing a close-ended game, doing a puzzle or coloring in a coloring book after more open-ended play can shore them up and help them get back to baseline. Board games teach turn taking, frustration tolerance, how to be a gracious winner and how to lose without losing it.
When we think about how to best support a child’s developmental and emotional being, it pays to provide many different types of play. Sensory play with water, sand, shaving cream, oobleck or play dough is wonderful for toddlers and preschoolers. Constructive play with blocks, legos, cardboard boxes, any raw materials, is great for preschoolers on up. Dramatic play with play dress up materials, puppets, dolls, play food, miniature figurines, etc. speaks highly to preschoolers and young school aged kids. All children need to move their bodies, run, jump, balance, climb and take moderate physical risks in order to gain mastery over their body in space. Preschoolers can be introduced to board games, but the rules need to be flexible and adults should know that it is fine for a young child to change the rules so that they win. When children reach the age of 6 and 7, they can begin to learn to play by the rules and practice winning and losing. Games without toys such as tag, hide and seek, Mother may I, Simon says, kick the can, and capture the flag teach invaluable lessons in social interactions, and teach kids to rely on themselves for entertainment.
We can learn a lot through observing a child’s play choices. We can see what they are drawn to and comfortable with, what challenges, pleases or frustrates them, and we can introduce new and less familiar activities to scaffold their growth. We can provide play time and attention as caring adults, and we can also make room for them to play on their own and with peers. Children need time to muck around and explore without an adult agenda always steering their play.
However you slice it, the more playtime a child gets, the more opportunities there are for cognitive, emotional, social and motor development. Advocate for play to be included every day in Pre-K and Kindergarten, and for recess to be part of the daily curriculum through grade school. Kids focus better on academics when they’ve had time to play out their sillies. Keep them growing a head taller than themselves at every turn, and you will be on the right track.
Parenting is never easy – it may just be the toughest job in the history of the world. As a mother of two young boys, and a pediatric social worker, Randi Goldfarb has seen a lot of tantrums in and out of hospitals.
I found that tantrum behavior is universal, and no one knows what to do. Then as a parent, I couldn’t control my own child’s tantrum.
Randi put on her thinking cap, asking herself how do you help a child calm down and keep calm? Then she put on her creativity cap and rolled up her sleeves. The result is the keep calm kit©. Continue reading
I had surgery last week to repair a tendon in my right wrist, which happens to be my dominant hand. With my hand wrapped up like a giant cocoon, I am learning a few lessons quickly.
“The non-dominant hand is actually linked to the non-dominant hemisphere in your brain – the one that isn’t exercised as often. There are studies that show that when you use your dominant hand, one hemisphere of the brain is active. When you use the non-dominant hand, both hemispheres are activated, which may result in thinking differently and becoming more creative.”http://www.goodfinancialcents.com/benefits-of-using-your-opposite-hand-grow-brain-cells-while-brushing-your-teeth/
A community of street vendors lines the sidewalk around the corner from where I live. As I run the gauntlet of tourists and fellow New Yorkers, my yellow lab-pit mix lunges at an unsuspecting flock of pigeons. They burst into the air, settling a moment later. Gracie gives it another go, all but yelling “Hiyah!” as the birds flap around us.
One of the vendors calls out, “You just keep on going!”
I turn to him and smile. “Yeah, can you believe she’s 11 years old?”
“No, you,” he grins. “You’re like the energizer bunny, going and going.”
As Gracie pulls me on, I wonder. Why did he say that? I don’t know his name, but he knows something about me. At the end of my 1.6 mile walk around the reservoir, I return to his food cart.
“Hey, excuse me,“ I say. “Can I ask you a question?”
He turns from what he’s doing and steps closer to his cart window, looking down at me.
“Did you know that I’d been sick?” I ask him. “Is that why you said that before?”
He smiles kindly. “Yeah, I talked to the guy who walks your dog. I asked him about you.”
I let that sink in for a moment. I take another risk.
“You were sick a while back too, right? I noticed you’d lost weight, and then you weren’t around for a while.”
“I lost a kidney,” he replies. “But now I’m 100%.” He says this with a big smile, spreading his hands expansively to measure his improvement. “ What were you sick with?”
“Breast cancer,” I say, without hesitation. “Surgery, chemo, radiation, the whole shebang. Now I’m 100% too.”
I reach my hand into his cart. “I’m Debbie. Nice to meet you, neighbor.”
“Jimmy”, he says, shaking my hand.
I see this encounter as a reminder. I survived some pretty daunting medical treatment in 2013. But I had incredible support from some unexpected places. In addition to a community of colleagues and Bank Street College alumni who did everything from walking my dog to accompanying me to chemo appointments, I had my own secret weapon. I reached into my Child Life bag of tricks for coping mechanisms to help me through. I used play, humor, writing and videography to scaffold my journey.
This week I face a much less frightening surgery, an outpatient procedure to mend a torn tendon in my right wrist. Until this morning, though, I have to admit I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and pretty anxious about being stuck left handed for the duration of my recovery.
But Jimmy’s witnessing was a reminder. It jumpstarted my awareness of the lessons learned during cancer treatment. I have all that I need. It’s all here. I can handle this. All I have to do is reach for it.
While teaching in Shizuoka, Japan, I had the pleasure of spending a morning with Hideko Konagaya, a hospital play specialist, at Shizuoka General Hospital.
Hideko hosted Maria Busqueta (a child life specialist and psychologist from Mexico City) and me in her bright and cheery playroom. Professor Chika Matsudaira of Shizuoka University assisted us by translating so that we could all communicate.
When we entered the playroom, two preschoolers already sat at a small table busily making slime. The children and their mothers gave us permission to photograph them.
Now I have made slime in my play course, but never slime as lovely as this! Hideko had set out brightly colored water in several plastic cups. She provided the boys with small glass jars (recycled baby food jars) and chopsticks for stirring. One at a time, Hideko and the children added rice glue, orange or lime essential oil for fragrance, sodium borate, and a magical touch of glitter. The mixture came together to create a wonderful substance that smelled amazing and was positively addictive – no one could put it down or stop playing. The boys stirred like mad, and then ran the slime through their fingers until it hardened enough to hold shape. They used cookie cutters and plastic tools to manipulate it. I broke a cardinal rule of mine and touched one of the boy’s slime without asking. I just couldn’t help myself! He was a very good sport. Continue reading
I am excited to announce the release of a fillable pdf format for the VIPAR, a new tool for your child life/hospital play toolkit. You can now fill out the VILAS Playroom Assessment Rubric (VIPAR) on your computer and print it out. The VIPAR is an assessment form to help you make your playroom the best it can be. There is a dream playroom in all of our imaginations. Time, space, budget constraints and infection control guidelines aside, we all know what we would provide children and families if we were able to do so. The VIPAR (Vilas Playroom Assessment Rubric) (click on bold green type to access) is intended to present the best possible scenario, and to measure how your playroom is meeting the needs of all pediatric patients and families at your hospital. Child life specialists, hospital play specialists, and administrators can use this rubric as a quality checklist to assess playroom design and operation.
This rubric is several years in the making and has been test driven by many Bank Street College alumni. They kindly tried it out in their playrooms and provided me with feedback to improve the document, making it as accessible and flexible as possible.
Tara Horan reports that the rubric gave her staff “feelings of empowerment to make positive changes.”
Kelsey Frawley shared, “Another AHA moment was the cultural competency piece. I think as specialist’s we are taught to BE culturally competent, not judge, ask questions, be aware of differences, but incorporating it into a room is something I have not thought of. The developmental appropriate piece really stuck out. It is something we have struggled with as a site and recently have committed to revamping. Kate Shamzad states “In fact, it inspired us to order a wall mirror to be installed in the infant/toddler section of the hem/onc room.”
I owe them and others many thanks for their input. But the VIPAR is and should be a work in progress. So please give me feedback if you use it at debvilasconsult@gmail.com. The form will soon be available on the Child Life Council’s website at the Play Center located in the Resource Library.
PediaPlay 