breast cancer

Driving the Camel: Installment #15

~ Deb Vilas ~ Leave a comment

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Heading South

We arrived at the beach house, where Marianne and her family had returned for the weekend. We gathered around the kitchen table telling stories of our adventures, but I already felt removed from the day’s events.  My thoughts turned inward as I anticipated saying goodbye to Garth. I knew that when the iced tea was gone, that Garth would be driving back to Clair and his farm, and that I may never see him again.

When the time came, I dragged my feet as I walked him out to his car.

“You know I wouldn’t have taken just anyone caving,” Garth said.

“Yeah, you said you hadn’t done it in a long time, What made you say yes to me?”

“It was just something about your voice,” he answered. “I liked your voice and your spirit.”

He surprised me with a hug so hard that I thought I might break in two.

As he drove off down the beach road, I thought about the many types of love we experience, if we are lucky, throughout our lives. The depth of feelings generated by  the unexpected connection forged with Garth was not unlike some of the strong emotional currents I have often felt with children passing through my care in hospitals. I’ve often wondered if it’s just me. Do I fall in love a thousand times too easily? Or do others feel the pangs and elation that I do when my spirit resonates with someone else’s, stranger or friend, child or adult?

One thing for sure, it was not easy to part with such a wonderful new friend and to leave the beauty and peace of Lang’s Beach.  But leave I did. Matt and his family awaited me in Christchurch and Naomi waited in Kaikoura. Naomi had been another guide on our kayaking trip. She’d since visited us in New York, and now it was time to check out her stomping grounds on the South Island. Then, hard to imagine now, I would be heading home.

The plot twist for this leg of my  journey was all my bad. I managed to miss my plane by misreading my itinerary. As Marianne and her husband drove me to the airport, I figured out the mistake. My heart sped up as I realized that there was no way in hell I was going to make my plane. Marianne pulled up across the street from the terminal and popped the trunk. Our goodbye was hasty as I grabbed my suitcase and futilely ran across the street and through the glass doors, trying to breathe deeply and slowly to calm myself down.

The ticket agent smiled at me as I struggled with my suitcases and my passport.

“Don’t worry, you can just hop on the next plane in an hour.”

“How much will that cost?” I asked warily.

“Nothing. This isn’t a problem,” she answered.

And much to my amazement and relief,  it wasn’t. Catching the next departure, I settled into a window seat on the small commuter plane. It was a short flight through bright afternoon skies,  the South Island rising up to greet me as the plane touched down in Christchurch. A shuttle bus gave me a glimpse of the city as it made multiple stops on the way to  the hotel, a sleek, modern box not too far from the airport. I splurged on room service for dinner and then sank gratefully into the clean sheets, setting my phone alarm for early the next morning.  

The ringtone of Natalie Merchant’s Wonder wafted into my consciousness at 7am. I was so excited to see Matt, and I also wanted to make sure that I had time to eat breakfast and write in my journal. A few hours later, as I waited for  in the lobby, I wondered what it would be like to hang out with him and Helen. Would we click the way we had out on the Strait? Would it be awkward? How much time could they spend with me and how much time would I be alone? I assumed they were busy people between work and having two kids. That relentless anxiety of being on my own crept in, smudging over the recent accomplishments of  my alone time at Lang’s Beach.

But all worries evaporated when I saw Matt. I hugged him unabashedly and our friendship commenced right where it had left off six years ago.

Matt’s mother-in-law and his twin eleven month-old daughters awaited us in the car. We toured Christchurch, stopping at the makeshift temporary church that the diocese erected when the 2011 earthquake rendered the original Christ Church uninhabitable. 185 People died in the second deadliest earthquake in the country’s history, and the city had far from recovered. The devastation of the city was heartbreaking. Two years following the earthquake of 2011 and there were still many empty lots filled with rubble and ruined buildings gaping in despair. Matt said it will take twenty years to rebuild.

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We ate lunch in Lyttelton before we followed the winding road to a sweet, small town on the coast. The neighbor’s cottage abutted  Matt and Helen’s property on a quiet country road flanked by horse meadows and a dune- fringed beach. The cottage overlooked an enchanting garden, fully equipped with a tub and a fire pit underneath for outdoor bathing.

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Worries about being lonely were unfounded and quickly soothed. The cottage provided the perfect balance of privacy and proximity to Matt and Helen’s cozy home.  A routine quickly formed – tea and cereal in the garden, accompanied by birdsong, and the occasional squawk from the neighboring rooster. I meditated and journaled before skyping in with Mark. Then, I would close up the cabin and trot around the corner to Matt and Helen’s house, hitching open the quaint latched gate to their yard, and ruffling their dog’s ears as I passed her on the porch.  

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Over the week, I enjoyed witnessing the rhythm of their family life. They had a brilliant schedule for the twins, with Matt taking on the lion’s share of parenting while Helen worked as an administrator at the airport. The presence of Helen’s mom made it possible for Matt to spirit me away for some outdoors sightseeing, which was such an unexpected treat for me.. Matt had some adventures lined up  for us and we discussed the possibilities over dinner that first night. We settled on plans for more cave exploration and a day trip to Arthur’s Pass in the South Andes Mountains.

Our drive out to the mountains gave us plenty of time to catch up on each other’s lives and get to know one another better. Much like this New Zealand adventure, my camping trip on the Johnstone Strait in British Columbia with Matt had been an amalgamation of firsts for me: first attempt at ocean kayaking, first camping trip, first vacation with a friend without Mark along. Like a younger version of Garth, Matt was a skilled guide accustomed to amateurs. He knew how to meet me at my skill level and scaffold me to higher performance and more endurance. His patience, kindness, and sense of humor boosted me out of my comfort zone, and I was able to withstand eight-hour paddles in rough water. In a few short days, I went from tentative paddling in a double kayak to coasting solo on the wake of a giant cruise ship, yelling “Yeehah!”

 

During my cancer treatment, I’d recalled my initial fears of that adventure and how I had faced them with Matt’s support. The memory of how far I had come, the confidence in my body, and the strength that I developed on that kayaking trip, all became a reminder for me as I faced scary firsts in treatment. I told myself repeatedly that I could face the unknown and do scary things with the right support. Meeting up with Matt on the other side of the world now, after surviving cancer, felt like coming  full circle. Our conversations on the mountain drive gave me the opportunity to thank him for all he’d done for me back on the Strait and explain how it reverberated throughout my medical experience.

A panoramic view of mountains, foothills, and clouds surrounded us, as we pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the cave trailhead.  I grabbed my gear and headed to the public bathroom to change into appropriate caving apparel. Matt had supplied headlamps, neoprene gloves and booties, fleece leggings, long underwear and “jumpers,” waterproof outer gear, and woolen hats. As I pulled on my layers, I thought about the trust I placed in him to keep me safe, first on the Strait, and now entering into an underground cavern. I had trusted the doctors at the hospital as well, as I followed the dark pathway of their many-layered regimens for ridding my body of cancer. Garth came to mind too, and how he’d met my trust with so much appreciation, respect and humor.  A synergy between vulnerability, trust and risk taking unfolded before me in all of these experiences. The Universe was asking me to do my part, while supplying all the necessary support in order to make all things possible. I strapped on my headlamp and headed out to meet my next adventure.

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Dear newcomers to my blog,

Driving the Camel is a memoir that I am publishing as a serial on this blog. It follows my adventures as a child life specialist during a transformative year of my life when I battled breast cancer and travelled the world. It includes reflections on my past work as a child life specialist, my personal life and stories of the wonderful people I met on my travels. You can find previous chapters in the side menu categories (or scroll down on mobile devices) under “Driving the Camel: Adventures of a Child Life Specialist.

Driving the Camel: Installment #13 Abseil

~ debvilasconsult ~ Leave a comment

 

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Dear newcomers to my blog,

Driving the Camel is a memoir that I am publishing as a serial on this blog. It follows my adventures as a child life specialist during a transformative year of my life when I battled breast cancer and travelled the world. It includes reflections on my past work as a child life specialist, my personal life and stories of the wonderful people I met on my travels. You can find previous chapters in the side menu categories (or scroll down on mobile devices) under “Driving the Camel: Adventures of a Child Life Specialist.

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I lay in bed that night, feeling unready to let this day be the last chapter of the Deb and Garth adventures. I thought about love, and how strange it was to feel my heart so full for people I’d just met that day. I was hard to put understand the connection and affection I felt for Garth. It was like I’d known him for years, or maybe even in another life.

I phoned him the next morning.

“I know I am not ready to abseil into a cave and swim out,” I said. “But would you be willing to give me a ropes lesson, so that I can try some abseiling in the light of day?”

Garth readily agreed and we set our sights on Saturday. That would be my last full day on the Island before I would head to the South Island for the last leg of my journey. That morning he picked me up and we drove back to the cave, both of us in high spirits and joking. He entertained me with a story of an intruder who’d awoken him the previous night.

“I heard this noise and I figured one of the chooks had gotten into the house again. So, I followed the sounds and opened the bathroom door, and there was a damned possum in there, hissing like it was going to eat me alive.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Well, I just sat myself down on the floor and started to sing it a lullabye. Then once it calmed down a bit, I got myself a blanket and tossed it over it and carried it outside.”

“So what you’re telling me is that you’re a kind of possum whisperer,” I laughed.

As we neared the turnoff for the cave, I decided it was important to be honest with Garth.

“I just want to tell you something. I am terrified of heights. I get vertigo, my knees turn to jelly, and I feel like throwing up.  But it is something I really want to face it today. I want to abseil.”

“Everyone is scared when they do this for the first time,” he said. “The difference between boys and girls is that girls are more likely to admit they’re scared.”

I hopped out of the car to get the gate, and then followed the car into the pasture. It was another perfect day, not a cloud to be seen and a warm breeze tickling the grass. Garth popped the boot and hauled out a tangled mass of ropes and gear.  I grabbed a helmet and secured the strap under my chin.

“So first, I’m gonna teach you a bit about tying knots. When it comes to abseiling, you’re only as safe as your knots.” He nimbly worked a small rope into the shape of a harness, telling me a story as he went about rabbits and holes and foxes. As quickly as he had fashioned the harness, he undid the knots and handed it to me.

“Your turn.”

I fumbled with the rope, trying to recall the story and moves. He watched patiently and guided me with a few hints now and then. It took more than a couple of tries, but he seemed in no hurry. When he deemed me ready, Garth helped me step into the homemade harness. We practiced on flat ground first, tying the ropes around a sturdy tree. Garth’s big  hands moved efficiently, as he hooked my harness to the rope and showed me where to hold on, and the art of leaning back and playing out the rope in my right hand.  

“Keep your feet shoulder width apart to maintain your center of gravity. Never let go of this rope without securing it. Here is how you hitch it if you need to free up your hands.”

His instructions were clearly demonstrated, but the tasks were unfamiliar to me, as I struggled clumsily with the equipment. He patiently guided me through each step until he felt comfortable with my technique.

Only then did we make our way up the wooded slope slanting back over the mouth of the cave. He hauled the heavy ropes and I did my best to keep up with him. We reached a plateau and Garth led us to the precipice of the cliff. We stood directly over the entrance to the cave, about 80 feet above. I looked down at the vertical rock wall, which we would traverse with the ropes. About 10 feet back from the edge, there were several stakes buried deep in the ground, remnants of previous forays over the cliff. Garth securely fastened two lengths of rope to the stakes.

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“How do you know these are secure,” I asked, not fully able to trust.

“Because they go down about six feet into the ground” he said. Good answer.

I stepped into my harness and prepared for my descent. 

“Don’t look down.” I told myself. “You can do this if you look straight ahead.”

Garth lowered himself backwards first. From there, he coached me as I made my first tentative steps in his wake.

The harness felt like a flimsy string cutting into me, rather than a secure perch. I gripped the rope with all my might, terrified that my weight would make it yank from my grasp.

“Easy does it,” came Garth’s voice from below. “Widen your stance. Lean back until your heels make contact with the wall.”

I did as I was told.

“Now take a step down,” he instructed.

Somehow, I thought he meant for me to look for a purchase in the wall. I looked down and spotted a passable crevice. I took a deep breath and jumped towards it, letting out the rope as I scrabbled for a foothold.

“That’s not what I meant,” he said, laughing. “Just walk down the wall one step at a time.

The jump had shot adrenaline through my veins, and my heart began to pound. My excitement was evaporating quickly as I scanned the lip of the cliff that was now about two feet over my head. Just like the plane ride, there was no going back. The only way was down and I was frozen, unable to go any further.

“I am panicking,” I told Garth. “I don’t think I can move.”

“Just hold on a minute. I’ll be right there.”  

He quickly navigated his way up the face of the rock to where I clung to my rope in a death grip. He steadied himself beside me and smiled.

“Let me tell you a story. The Dali Lama had this doctor. They were discussing health and the doc said to him, ‘You know what is wrong with people today? People today forget one very important thing. They forget how to breathe. And he took a deep breath in and out with the Dali Lama. And then he took another one.’”

As Garth spoke, I followed  the emotional stepping- stones of his story.  I breathed deeply and after a few moments I felt my panic begin to subside.

“I think I’m okay now.”

“All right, then. Let’s do it.”

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Garth returned to his spot below me. I took one more long, deep breath, set my feet shoulder width apart and began my descent. From there on, the exhilaration returned. I only had one moment when I lost contact with the wall. I spun in a circle, my feet kicking out for contact.

“I don’t like this! I don’t like this!” I squealed.

“You’re all right!” Garth called up, laughing at my distress.

His humor made me relax. He wouldn’t be laughing if I were in any real danger. I let the rope out until my feet felt the wall again, and then I walked backwards down the wall with ease.

When my feet finally touched the ground, I shouted “I did it!”

“Yes you did!” said Garth.

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Driving the Camel: Installment #9

~ debvilasconsult ~ 4 Comments

 

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BeachCombing the Soul

Each day at the beach held a gentle routine. The solitude became less and less threatening as I relaxed into it, walking the beach twice a day, cooking simple meals, feeding the goldfish that swam in a large planter by the deck, sleeping, and writing. The mornings found me waking early as the first rays of sun reflected off the water and shimmered across my upturned face. I arose eagerly and walked the length of the beach, pants rolled to my calves, enjoying the surprisingly warm water at the edge of the tide. I marveled at the plucky seabirds, pipers and oyster catchers running alongside searching for their morning meal in the wet sand. They felt like the perfect companions. I’ve always enjoyed beachcombing, and the treasures underfoot competed with the rumbling surf for my attention. There was so much beauty everywhere that it was hard to know where to look.  Continue reading →

Driving the Camel: Installment #6

~ debvilasconsult ~ 3 Comments

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Part Two  Outside my Comfort Zone

 

Chapter 5: Right on Time

9 months passed more quickly than I’d expected. Being Auntie Deb, writing, attending treatments and doctor appointments, hosting visits from well wishers, and navigating medical plot twists and side effects filled my days. One plot twist in particular was almost funny if it weren’t so worrisome. Beginning with the second round of chemo, within 24 hours of every infusion, my right breast would turn bright, stoplight red. After a trip to the emergency room and a few days in the hospital with a truckload of antibiotics, the doctors told me I had cellulitis.  From then on, after each chemo round, I would awaken the next day feeling like a warped version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and start yet another round of antibiotics. And yes, I wrote a song about that too.

To counteract my daily battles, Mark did his best to schedule things at night and on weekends that we could enjoy together, especially nights before surgery and chemo.  We went to many plays, concerts, lectures and baseball games during that time. Toward the end of my radiation treatment, we escaped for a few days to visit his family in Florida and take in spring training, And even though I fell asleep for a portion of many of our outings, the distraction and Mark’s hand in mine were a balm to my heart and healing body.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the end of treatment snuck up on me and whacked me on the head, none too playfully. What I thought would be a huge milestone to celebrate turned into a marshy landscape pitted with hidden sinkholes. After gliding through treatment with a positive attitude and no shortage of energy, the very end of treatment rolled over me like a tank. It took extraordinary energy to brave the crappy winter weather and walk each day to and from radiation therapy. We had record low temperatures and snowfall that year. Getting anywhere in the city was a brutal task. I was exhausted, deeply sad, and once more, highly anxious. Continue reading →

Driving the Camel: Installment #4

~ debvilasconsult ~ 13 Comments

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Chapter 3: Secret Weapons

Not only did I have a year to focus on my treatment and recovery. I also had a secret weapon: Child Life. I learned from the chemo snafu never to go to a doctor’s appointment alone. When Mark or a close friend or family member couldn’t go with me, child life colleagues and past students took turns accompanying me to appointments and treatments, making a mini party out of each and every chemo session. They brought treats, read aloud to me from trashy magazines and made me laugh so loud once that the nurse came to close our door so we wouldn’t disturb the other patients. And that was just the beginning of a landslide of help and cheer.

Each person performed a simple task or favor that woven together, formed an army of support. From walking to my dog, to teaching my course, offering to design a tattoo to beautify my scars and performing Reiki on me, their generosity knew no bounds. The regional group of child life directors organized the drop off of a slew of coping and comfort items, queasy pops, distraction toys to use during IV’s and blood draws, journals, chocolate, gag gifts, warm socks, and cute hats.  

One friend’s actions were perhaps the most far reaching of all.  Sydney, with her non-stop energy and raucous laugh.  She blew me away when she organized Team Deb to walk in the American Cancer Society’s Breast Cancer Awareness walk, raising over $4,000 in my name. She sent every supporter a t-shirt that read “Team Deb”. Along with the shirt, everyone received a ridiculous Deb head on a tongue depressor, a disembodied photo of my smiling face. Those who couldn’t make the walk posted photos of themselves on Facebook wearing the shirt and holding the Deb head. Sydney showed up on the day of the walk with her whole family in tow. She jumped atop a park bench waving Deb head’s to help gather Team Deb amidst the throng of thousands. That sight is one I will cherish for years to come.

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I wasn’t the only one in my circle to face the cancer battle. My colleague, Annie, experienced a double whammy. Two weeks after I shared my bad news, her sister was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer and had to endure a double mastectomy and heavy-duty chemo. Annie brought us together and we became chemo buddies, cheering one another on throughout the process. When Annie showed her sisterly support by shaving her head, they invited me to the shaving ceremony via video chat. I was moved to tears watching their husbands reverently shaving the heads of their wives. I had to turn away from my computer camera for a moment so they wouldn’t see me cry.

On my first day of chemo, I received a package in the mail: a life-sized cardboard replica of my favorite actor from Lori, a child life specialist and young mother in Colorado.  I piggybacked on that idea and sent Annie’s sister a life-sized replica of  Dwayne Johnson, or “The Rock”, his ring name as a professional wrestler and her favorite actor of all time. 

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Continue reading →

Driving the Camel Installment #2

~ debvilasconsult ~ 6 Comments

 

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Driving the Camel; Adventures of a Child Life Specialist

Installment #2

Chapter 1: Two for One Sale continued

…..But today it was my turn to be the patient. As I pushed my way through the revolving doors of the very hospital where I had provided solace and healing, it struck me that I was the one in need of these things. Who was going to take care of me, the caretaker?  It was such an odd homecoming, familiar yet strange. The actual building I entered had not even been in existence when I’d worked there. But it held the same smell and the decor was familiar, as were the uniforms of the security guards at the information desk.  

Entering the lobby as a patient, without the authority of an employee ID badge, I felt like a lobster shedding its shell, soft, pink and vulnerable waiting for a new protective coat of armor to form. I had taught children and parents so many coping skills over the years. Would these skills be available to me now, or would terror hijack all of my working synapses and block my access? A rip current of anxiety carried me along a shoreline just out of reach. I could feel my feet scrambling for solid ground.

At the check in desk on the 4th floor, I supplied my birthdate, those eight digits that granted me access to the world of treatment.  Like a POW stating name, rank and serial number, I would repeat those numbers countless times over the coming months. Mark and I found seats on one of the many couches in the waiting room. Although most seats were filled, there was a hush to the large room. Patients and caregivers sat in small groupings, sipping coffee, reading magazines, texting quietly on cell phones. One woman appeared clearly ill, a greyish pallor smudged over protruding cheekbones. Overdressed for the spring weather, she huddled in her scarf and coat, a hat pulled low over her forehead. She tried her best to curl into her chair, her eyes closed in exhaustion. Was that going to be me soon? Others looked no different than me, dressed for work, no outward signs of illness or distress. Mark pulled out his blackberry and zeroed in on work emails. That and his bouncing foot were his only tells.

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Soon enough, we sat across a desk from Dr. Fodor, while he drew an anatomical diagram of my breasts upside down, so that we could see it from our seats.

“You have three tiny tumors,” he began. “Two here, and one here. They are what we call “in situ,” Stage One. So first of all, I want to tell you, you are not going to die from this. “

I looked over at Mark and our eyes met in shared relief.

“Now our data shows that there is no difference in outcome between a mastectomy and a lumpectomy for this type of cancer. So we recommend a bilateral lumpectomy along with a sentinel node removal and biopsy, followed by four weeks of radiation. You should be done with this whole business by the end of the summer.”

“Thank God!” I thought. No horrible decision to be made between a mastectomy and a lumpectomy. No chemo. It was mid May, and as a professor I didn’t work summers. This already felt manageable. Dr. Fodor, sporting a bow tie and the lanky build of a basketball player, exuded calm reassurance. This was no big deal. He saw this every day.

“So, what do you think about next week?” he said.

My heart sped up. “Surgery? Next week?”

“Yes, let’s get you on the schedule for next week and get this started. My assistant will give you all of the pre-op information, so that you’ll know what to expect and what you need to do to get ready.”

Mark and I walked out of the doctor’s office an hour later with a schedule for surgery and pre-op appointments. Dr. Fodor had explained that in addition to routine blood work and an EKG, I would need to be injected with radioactive isotopes, scanned, and have seeds placed in both my breasts to localize the tumors and sentinel lymph nodes so that he would know where to cut. It was a lot to take in, but I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it.

The very next day, I boarded a plane to Denver to attend the Child Life Council’s annual conference. 

The CLC is a membership organization for the field of Child Life. It oversees certification, provides support and resources to child life specialists, and runs an annual conference. This year, the Council had awarded me a scholarship for Innovations in Play, and the Disney Corporation would  underwrite my trip. I had two presentations to give, both on the topic of play. In addition to the scholarship, the CLC had recently hired me as the project leader to design and conduct an international survey on the state of play in North American hospitals. My career was beginning to expand beyond the walls of the small college where I taught courses in play and child development for child life specialists and teachers. I was excited and a bit overwhelmed by the tasks that lay ahead. Cancer certainly hadn’t been part of the bargain when I signed up for these opportunities. But there was no turning back now.

I sat on the plane, reviewing my presentation notes and drifting in and out of focus. Thoughts were ricocheting around my head like pachinko balls. The running monologue followed no linear path, and went something like this. “Holy Sh*t! I have cancer! Weird, I don’t feel sick. How the hell am I going to concentrate on presenting to over 200 people? What if I cry? Holy Sh*t! I’m having surgery next week! How big a chunk is Dr. Fodor going to take out of me?  What if Dr. Fodor is wrong? What if these damn tumors metastasize and kill me? Will I be able to go on vacation in August like we planned? How the hell am I going to get all of my work done for the CLC?  Will I be able to meet their deadlines? Is radiation going to hurt? My skin is so sensitive and my mother had such a hard time with radiation. Will it be worse for me?”

My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years earlier. She had a tough time with post surgery complications and the radiation had left her scarred and in chronic pain. But thankfully, she was alive and kicking at the age of 80. A great role model for me, Joyce projected an infectious sense of joy and a thirst for learning and growing. I would definitely be relying on her life perspective in the coming months.

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Arriving at the hotel, I was greeted by texts from my 2 co-presenters, who were eager to gather to rehearse our presentation. I had never met Loxy before, as she worked with Caitlin at a children’s hospital in Texas. But I knew she was more than a child life assistant and co-worker. She was a dear friend and mother figure to Caitlin, who had moved to Texas knowing no one. Caitlin, with her freckles and strawberry blonde hair, was one of those precious gems in my life, a student who had graduated and turned into a close friend and colleague. Continue reading →

Reach for It!

~ Deb Vilas ~ 6 Comments

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A community of street vendors lines the sidewalk around the corner from where I live. As I run the gauntlet of tourists and fellow New Yorkers, my yellow lab-pit mix lunges at an unsuspecting flock of pigeons. They burst into the air, settling a moment later. Gracie gives it another go, all but yelling “Hiyah!” as the birds flap around us.

One of the vendors calls out, “You just keep on going!”

I turn to him and smile. “Yeah, can you believe she’s 11 years old?”

“No, you,” he grins. “You’re like the energizer bunny, going and going.”

As Gracie pulls me on, I wonder. Why did he say that? I don’t know his name, but he knows something about me. At the end of my 1.6 mile walk around the reservoir, I return to his food cart.

“Hey, excuse me,“ I say. “Can I ask you a question?”

He turns from what he’s doing and steps closer to his cart window, looking down at me.

“Did you know that I’d been sick?” I ask him. “Is that why you said that before?”

He smiles kindly. “Yeah, I talked to the guy who walks your dog. I asked him about you.”

I let that sink in for a moment. I take another risk.

“You were sick a while back too, right? I noticed you’d lost weight, and then you weren’t around for a while.”

“I lost a kidney,” he replies. “But now I’m 100%.” He says this with a big smile, spreading his hands expansively to measure his improvement. “ What were you sick with?”

“Breast cancer,” I say, without hesitation. “Surgery, chemo, radiation, the whole shebang. Now I’m 100% too.”

I reach my hand into his cart. “I’m Debbie. Nice to meet you, neighbor.”

“Jimmy”, he says, shaking my hand.

I see this encounter as a reminder. I survived some pretty daunting medical treatment in 2013. But I had incredible support from some unexpected places. In addition to a community of colleagues and Bank Street College alumni who did everything from walking my dog to accompanying me to chemo appointments, I had my own secret weapon. I reached into my Child Life bag of tricks for coping mechanisms to help me through. I used play, humor, writing and videography to scaffold my journey.

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This week I face a much less frightening surgery, an outpatient procedure to mend a torn tendon in my right wrist. Until this morning, though, I have to admit I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and pretty anxious about being stuck left handed for the duration of my recovery.

But Jimmy’s witnessing was a reminder. It jumpstarted my awareness of the lessons learned during cancer treatment. I have all that I need. It’s all here. I can handle this. All I have to do is reach for it.

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Getting Older

~ Deb Vilas ~ 2 Comments
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Me and my godson, Joaquin July 2015

Tomorrow at 12:50 AM, I turn 54 years old. Many women do not want anyone to know their age. I remember turning forty and all the angst that led up to that day -such a waste of energy now looking back.  By fifty, I had wised up a bit and  celebrated my birthday by going skinny dipping  with friends. But now things are even more clear. When you have survived cancer, there is a crack in the door of egocentrism that can squeak open to reveal a great deal of light — if you allow it in. I now celebrate my aging with gusto, even if that means a slowing metabolism, greying hair, hot flashes, and an ache here and there (and here and there and here and there!!!).

I am so profoundly thankful for every day of health, for the joy of spending time in the company of really good people, and for my adventures, of which there are many. I am glad that I am here on earth enjoying these things, even when I get tripped up by a modicum of anxiety and fear, probably on a daily basis.

A writing coach is assisting me with the immense task of authoring a book. As I stumble about trying to figure out what the focus should be, what to leave in and what to take out, she says, “Your account of your cancer treatment is too cheerful. I want to hear more about your pain, what you endured.” Continue reading →